Make sure you don’t understand the audience and their pain
If you are writing an article, do it for yourself and on your own. Any sane person already understands what worries cat food buyers, air freight users, and oil pump engineers. Well, as a last resort, you can quickly search the Internet and see what they write about this.
Write a voluminous introduction
Start with the words “As you know …” or “Since ancient times, people …”, and then splash 3-4 more paragraphs. A good text needs an entertainer, a lubricant for the attention of readers. You cannot immediately run off the bat, and the author and the reader will not hurt to warm up beforehand.
Come up with a funnier title
As in Kommersant or the good old Esquire. Writing about covid? Write: “Whoever did not have time to be vaccinated, will lie under the ventilator.” If the reader does not understand, this is his problem. If you take offense – even more so.
Sculpt your paragraphs wider
A good, strong thought needs more space to unfold. All this “pea” of small paragraphs of 4-5 sentences in each made by weaklings for weaklings. If the reader needs it, he will focus. We are writing about something serious, we must try!
Ask the reader questions
For example, like this: “Do you know the most popular film by Martin Scorsese? Do not know? And I’ll tell you now. ” Let the reader scream humiliatingly into the monitor: “Yes, I know, I know!” – you don’t care. When he writes an article himself, let him not yawn, but now is our time.
Do not include links
Nobody will walk on them anyway. Suffice it to say directly: “Research proves that …” – or: “Everyone knows that cats do not like falafel.” Especially do not refer to the authors of the quotes – so the copied text will become yours, and perhaps no one will remember the author of this in a couple of years.
Dilute with pictures
Without pictures, the text looks a little dry. And the best pictures, of course, are found in Google searches. They are, most likely, “creative commons”, which means that there is nothing to ask from us. And who would ever think to run into the author of an article of average popularity.
Confuse names and titles
Maksim Ilyakhov, Ilya Maksimov – what’s the difference, because everyone immediately recognizes the co-author of “Write, cut” from two notes. In addition, the text is read not by letter, but the whole whole (everyone knows this), so the error may not be noticed. Likewise with brand names. The most enjoyable thing is to write them as it seems. Let the Dassault Falcon become the Dessault Falcon, the reader will figure it out for himself.
Leave the cute bugs
We didn’t finish philological, therefore, missing commas and extra letters are considered not mortal sins, but cute author’s features and manifestations of a creative personality. And in 2021, harassing for double “n” and “tsya” becomes indecent. Reader, did you see an error? Well, read on to yourself.
Argue with yourself
Mutually exclusive theses are a property of a “living” text, written in one sitting. It is natural for a person to change and change his point of view, sometimes even in adjacent paragraphs. And there is neither time nor energy for rereading – let the reader say thank you in general that he has something to read.
Use strange words
“Hard-hitting” is just “unpleasant” with additional letters inside. But besides it, there are other useful words that will help you look like an intellectual: “dichotomy”, “consistent”, “insight”, “escaped transcendence.” Use them more often so that the reader sees you as a serious person, and in himself – not mature enough for understanding and criticism.
Push on experience
Of course, you have enough experience to replace logic of judgment, references, facts and even common sense with it. Whoever has more experience is right. If it is enough to live in the world, then even the laws of physics cease to operate. The reader is to blame for not being sufficiently experienced to read and understand.
Gender neutrality of the text was invented for weaklings. A strong author must list all gender (s), carefully avoiding all the linguistic mines of modern times. Remember to replace the word “women” with the word “people.”
Add calls to action
Good copy motivates the reader to comment or share on social media. So that he does not forget, remind me directly or better order it in the last paragraph: “Like-sher-alisher”. Let as many readers as possible see how you bravely break the rules of good writing by coming up with your own laws instead. Good luck!