The Ginevra’s case preface
I recently had an atypical consulting client.
Her name was Ginevra and she was commercial.
He needed my services to pass the trial period in his new job.
I say it was “atypical” because I usually get hired by business owners or communication experts, so I was surprised that someone needed me to keep from losing their job.
Ginevra used to sell an annual subscription to professionals in a very specific sector by telephone in exchange for advertising support. They had asked for a minimum of 3 sales the first month, 6 the second and 9 the third. If he managed to get to the minimum, he could stay.
When I asked him how many sales he had been in, he responded like this:
“The first month is about to end and I have only closed one. On the phone they are very interested, but when I send them the confirmation email it seems that they are overwhelmed and do not accept. I’m sure the problem is the email, that’s why I wanted to talk to you.”
He was right.
He passed the mail to me and I was not at all surprised that the sales were up in the air. It was a standard email written in an impersonal way. We did the exercise of reading it out loud together and we both thought the same thing: it seemed to be written by a robot.
Although that email had been given to him by the company as a template model, he had permission to create his own sales email, so we got to work on the new text.
For confidentiality reasons I cannot show you the full text, but I do want to share the first and last fragment with you (without company data), so you can see how I applied neurocopywriting in the new email.
Neurocopywriting Analysis of an email’s improvement
Sometimes when I say that common sense is the best tool for writing sales texts, it seems that I am throwing rocks on my own roof and belittling a decade of study, but when you read the texts, you will understand why I say it.
Opening the original email:
By activating your subscription you will get:
- benefit 1
- benefit 2
- benefit 3
- benefit 4
- benefit 5
We will assign you a “specialized consultant” for any questions you may have. We are with you.
Through our plan we achieve our maximum Objective.
Farewell to the original mail:
Well, I don’t take any more time, I’ll call you in a couple of days.
I just hope to welcome you and you will see the results.
Opening the new mail:
I’m Ginevra, we’ve been talking on the phone and I wanted to send you in writing the benefits that you will have when activating your subscription with XXX, so that you can review them with peace of mind.
As I have already mentioned, with this fee we assign you a specialized advisor to answer your questions and control the results. The objective is to improve them month by month and that you see with figures that our platform works.
Farewell to the new mail:
I’ll call you in a couple of days to answer any questions.
Thanks for your time! Have a great day,
Why the “neurocopywrited” email converted better
As I explained to Ginevra, between the client and the final sale there are a series of closed doors. If she managed to open many of the doors (obstacles), it was because she generated enough confidence in the potential client.
But what happened when you received such an impersonal email?
That the doors closed again, the customer backed off and the sale disappeared.
So the first step was to compose an email with the same tone of the telephone conversation.
If I had you in front of you and asked you the errors of the original email, surely you would be able to list – with your common sense – all these errors:
- No introduction.
- No phone pre-sale reminder.
- In a rush to close the sale.
- Misuse of “you” and “you” in the same email.
- Misuse of quotation marks (“specialized consultant”).
- Misuse of capital letters (Goal and Welcome are in lowercase).
- Close little close.
Ginevra finished the first month of trial with 5 sales and got her permanent contract with the company. The last time I spoke to her she told me that her monthly average had increased to 12-15 sales.
And all for using the right words.